Monday, 23 May 2016

Jay's Jokes - Part Four

My brother Jay has been feeding me jokes for a long time. Here are three from a long time ago.

When my brother and I were younger the Native Canadians were called Indians. This was a hold-over from when the early explorers landed on North America and thought they had reached India. I tell you this as it relates to the first joke.

Joke # 1

An Indian walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk for some toilet paper. The clerk says, "Here. Try this No Name toilet tissue."

The Indian thanks the clerk and leaves.

A few days later the Indian returns to the grocery store and is greeted by the clerk. "How did you get on with that No Name toilet paper?"

To which the Indian replied, "I have a name for it. I call it 'Lone Ranger Toilet Paper'."

"Why do you call it 'Lone Ranger Toilet Paper'?" The clerk asked.

"Because it's white. It's tough. And it don't take no crap off no Indian."

Joke # 2

A Brave was sent to the Medicine Man to get something to cure Big Chief No Fart's chronic constipation. The Medicine Man gave the Brave a concoction and advised him that the Chief must take a spoonful of the medicine every day for a week.

A week later the Brave returned to the Medicine Man.

"Well, how did it go with Big Chief No Fart?" Asked the Medicine Man.

To which the Brave replied, "Big fart - no Chief!"

Joke # 3

A young Native Canadian boy had a question for his Chief. "Elder," he asked. "Is it true that you are the one who names all of the new children?"

"Yes," replied the Elder. "As soon as the infant is delivered, I look to nature to choose their name. If I look out and see a bird on the wing, then the child will be called Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Windows 10: Who's Operating This System

For months Microsoft has been urging Windows 7 and 8 users to switch to Windows 10. The following is a scenario I can see happening soon. (If you've ever experienced Mitchell & Webb, I saw David as the user forced to upgrade and Robert as the Microsoft tech.)

A computer user clicks the tiny “X” to dismiss the ‘get Windows 10’ pop-up and finds himself teleport to a dimly-lit room. “How did I get here?” He asks.

A tall man in a lab coat approaches. “That’s not important. What is important is that you refuse to upgrade to Windows 10.”

“I don’t want it. I was happy with XP, but you took that away from me.”

“Did we? Did we really?”

“You stopped supporting it.”

“That’s not the same as taking it away, though, is it? You could still be running Windows 95 or 3.11 if you really wanted to.”

“No I couldn’t. None of today’s software would run on those systems.”

“So you agree that upgrading your operating system is a good thing.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway. You don’t have a choice.”

“Don’t I?”

“No. And since you’ve repeatedly refused our generous and kind offer to make the bold move to Windows 10, we had no choice but to bring you here to enhance your user experience with Windows XX.”

“Windows 20?”

“No, Windows XX. X-ray and excavate.”

“Excavate starts with an ‘e’.”

“Please, we aren’t the first to drop the ‘e’ so we could get to the ‘x’.”

“What happens now?”

“First we put this monitor up to your head and have a look inside. That’s the “x-ray” part. Oh dear. Look at that. You’ve got a hamster in a wheel inside your head. Look at him run. Spinning that tiny wheel every time you decide to have a thought.”

“What? No. That’s impossible. Where’s my brain?”

“That is your brain. Oh. Look at that.”

“What? What now?”

“He’s dead. Your head is filled with a dead hamster just rocking forward and back inside his tiny wheel.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about that?”

“We most certainly are. Here, just stick this suction cup onto your forehead.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Aaahh! It’s drilling into my skull.”

“Yes, that’s right. Drilling straight into your brain.”

“It hurts. Won’t this give me brain damage?”

“Maybe. That is a possibility, but it’s not something you need to worry about. Or will be able to worry about very soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“If your brain is damaged, and often times even when it isn’t, we just yank out your old brain and give you a shiny new one.”

“An entirely new brain?”

“Well, not entirely. Just the parts that doing the thinking. The automatic systems remain intact. Mostly. But there are special pants you can wear if anything goes amiss.”

“I don’t want a new brain.”

“Sure you do. Why not try this one. It’s a lark.”

“It’s a bit of idle fun?”

“No, it’s a bird. I want to implant the brain of a bird into your head. It’ll be a huge upgrade.”

“Isn’t there some way I can get out of this?”

“No. Well, you could always buy a Mac, but then you’d have to give up pretty much all you hold near and dear. Their upgrades are really painful on a physical, emotional, and a spiritual level. At least with us you still get to keep your soul.”

“A lark’s brain, you say?”

“Sure. It’ll be fun. Think of the fun you’ll have really tweeting;; not just pretend tweeting. You’ll get used to the taste of worms. And pooping on newspapers and parked cars. Ready? Let’s begin.”

Facebook Stops Your Business From Growing

Some businesses have been convinced that all they require to interact with their customers and potential customers is a Facebook page. I’m here to tell you that is not the case.

Contrary to popular brainwashing, not everyone is on Facebook.

Those who have not been branded with the Mark of the ZuckerBeast are not allowed to clearly view pages on Facebook.

A giant white banner appears on the page (taking up a full half of the screen) telling you to either sign in or sign up. This mask blots out a good deal of information and is quite annoying. Any sane person will immediately click away and your business will lose out to another business that was smart enough to build an independent website.

If your business is only has a Facebook page, you are losing business.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Vegan Mind Control

Just when you thought the conspiracy theories about aliens and the Illuminati couldn't get any more dire, here I come with an idea to really make you consider your point of view: vegan spiritual gurus are trying to control your mind.

If you are a follower of modern philosophy as advocated by the folks behind "The Secret", and the likes of Abraham Hicks, Bashar, Teal Swan, Ralph Scott, and the rest, then you will have heard that you create your own reality. They all say it. You create your own reality based on your core beliefs. What you deeply, truly, down in your heart of hearts, in the depths of your inner mind believe to be the truest of the true, that is what you perceive as reality. This is a key tenant of their philosophy. Remember it. It will be on the exam at the end of this blog.

Keep in mind that you have been conditioned (socialized) since the day you were born to believe certain things. These ingrained beliefs have become the basis for your reality. The good news is that you can change your beliefs. The bad news is that you don't even have the first clue that you are carrying around the majority of your beliefs. That's because you've been fed them for so long you've forgotten they even exist. Take fluoride as an example. People have been told for years that fluoride fights cavities. It turns out no one knows for sure, but I have my doubts about brushing my teeth with an active ingredient in rat poison.

How you view yourself and society around you is programmed into you by your authority figures; the people who you 'look up to'. They bend your beliefs to their beliefs.

This brings us back to the "what you believe to be true is your reality" concept. If you are told that certain foods are bad, and you believe it because the information comes from a source you trust, then those foods will become toxic to you. For a long time I was scared of squirrels because my Mom told me they might have rabies and if they bit me I'd have to get 900 needles stuck into my stomach.

The caveat, addendum, corollary, whatnot, to this is that there are (according to the aforementioned group) a set of collectively agreed upon conditions. Gravity comes under this category. We, as a collective group of consciousnesses, agreed that when something is dropped on Earth, it will fall. Most likely on your foot.

Getting back to the "spiritual gurus", many (like Abraham Hicks and Bashar) will tell you that what you believe is more important than any "facts" (which are the beliefs of others). Those two won't give you a straight answer on what foods are good or bad, because it is your belief system that makes them that way. Others, who are on the raw vegetable, vegan bandwagon will insist that you should only be eating what they have labelled (as part of their belief system) "high vibration food", which, to them, is the vegan diet. This completely ignores the way the human body has developed over centuries and negates the belief system of others. So, if you believe these "gurus", then you should go with a vegan diet. If you think bacon is good for you, then eat bacon. (I don't consume any pork products, unless it's on a pizza or in Chinese food, simply because it doesn't agree with my system. My friend Steve Milburn cooked a mass of pork ribs, which were divinely delicious, but I really paid for it later.)

You are what you eat. Does that mean vegans are raw vegetables? Why hasn't a zombie ever won the Nobel Prize? They eat brains, don't they?

Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.

And while we're talking about vegans and vegetarians, don't let them fool you with their concept that eating plants is completely innocent. Check out this article on how plants feel pain.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes." - Jiminy Cricket
"A stain is a squish your fart makes." - IBS Stanley

What's the bottom line? Listen to what your body is telling you. Eat what you believe (what you truly believe) is necessary at any given time. No, this does not mean you can fill up on chocolate and nachos every time you take a craving. But now and then, sure, go for it. Your intuition and your body will tell you what you need. Believe in yourself.