Saturday, 14 May 2016

Windows 10: Who's Operating This System

For months Microsoft has been urging Windows 7 and 8 users to switch to Windows 10. The following is a scenario I can see happening soon. (If you've ever experienced Mitchell & Webb, I saw David as the user forced to upgrade and Robert as the Microsoft tech.)

A computer user clicks the tiny “X” to dismiss the ‘get Windows 10’ pop-up and finds himself teleport to a dimly-lit room. “How did I get here?” He asks.

A tall man in a lab coat approaches. “That’s not important. What is important is that you refuse to upgrade to Windows 10.”

“I don’t want it. I was happy with XP, but you took that away from me.”

“Did we? Did we really?”

“You stopped supporting it.”

“That’s not the same as taking it away, though, is it? You could still be running Windows 95 or 3.11 if you really wanted to.”

“No I couldn’t. None of today’s software would run on those systems.”

“So you agree that upgrading your operating system is a good thing.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway. You don’t have a choice.”

“Don’t I?”

“No. And since you’ve repeatedly refused our generous and kind offer to make the bold move to Windows 10, we had no choice but to bring you here to enhance your user experience with Windows XX.”

“Windows 20?”

“No, Windows XX. X-ray and excavate.”

“Excavate starts with an ‘e’.”

“Please, we aren’t the first to drop the ‘e’ so we could get to the ‘x’.”

“What happens now?”

“First we put this monitor up to your head and have a look inside. That’s the “x-ray” part. Oh dear. Look at that. You’ve got a hamster in a wheel inside your head. Look at him run. Spinning that tiny wheel every time you decide to have a thought.”

“What? No. That’s impossible. Where’s my brain?”

“That is your brain. Oh. Look at that.”

“What? What now?”

“He’s dead. Your head is filled with a dead hamster just rocking forward and back inside his tiny wheel.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about that?”

“We most certainly are. Here, just stick this suction cup onto your forehead.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Aaahh! It’s drilling into my skull.”

“Yes, that’s right. Drilling straight into your brain.”

“It hurts. Won’t this give me brain damage?”

“Maybe. That is a possibility, but it’s not something you need to worry about. Or will be able to worry about very soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“If your brain is damaged, and often times even when it isn’t, we just yank out your old brain and give you a shiny new one.”

“An entirely new brain?”

“Well, not entirely. Just the parts that doing the thinking. The automatic systems remain intact. Mostly. But there are special pants you can wear if anything goes amiss.”

“I don’t want a new brain.”

“Sure you do. Why not try this one. It’s a lark.”

“It’s a bit of idle fun?”

“No, it’s a bird. I want to implant the brain of a bird into your head. It’ll be a huge upgrade.”

“Isn’t there some way I can get out of this?”

“No. Well, you could always buy a Mac, but then you’d have to give up pretty much all you hold near and dear. Their upgrades are really painful on a physical, emotional, and a spiritual level. At least with us you still get to keep your soul.”

“A lark’s brain, you say?”

“Sure. It’ll be fun. Think of the fun you’ll have really tweeting;; not just pretend tweeting. You’ll get used to the taste of worms. And pooping on newspapers and parked cars. Ready? Let’s begin.”

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