Tuesday, 30 June 2015

CSI: Cat Scene Investigations

There are two cats in our household. Notice I said, ‘there are two cats’, not ‘we have two cats’, or ‘we own two cats’. No one ‘owns’ a cat. You may be a cat’s human, but no cat is ‘your cat’.

These two fuzznicks rarely get along. One is fine with the other, but the other would prefer that the first one didn’t exist in her world. The one time they do co-operate is when it comes to crimes perpetrated within the house. The following is an account of one such incident.

Me: Who knocked over this plant?

Both cats: It wasn’t us.

Me: Oh no? You two were the only ones home.

Cat 1: Maybe it was the wind.

Cat 2: Yeah, the wind. (Turning to Cat 1) The wind whooshing out your arse.

Cat 1: (To Cat 2) Shhhh (mumbling) Not as strong as the wind whistling between your ears.

Me: The windows are closed, so it couldn’t have been the wind.

Cat 1: It was the invisible Mexican ninja dog.

Me: What invisible Mexican ninja dog?

Cat 1: The one who busts into homes and kicks over plants. He’s from Mars and his mission is to destroy all plant life.

Me: A Mexican Martian invisible ninja dog? Really.

Cat 1: Yep. Are there any plants on Mars?

Me: Not that I’m aware of.

Cat 1: See? He’s already destroyed his own planet’s plants and now he’s come here to do the same to ours.

Me: How do you know the invisible ninja dog is from Mars?

Cat 2: ‘Cause he had a green moustache.

Me: An invisible green moustache?

Cat 2: Yeah.

Me: If he’s invisible, how did you see his green moustache?

Cat 2: Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.

Cat 1: (swiping at Cat 2) Idiot. We’re cats. We can see things hum-mans can’t. That’s how. Out superior eyesight allowed us to view the perpetrator.

Me: You mean the same incredible eyesight that needs a night light after 8 p.m.?

Cat 2: It gets too dark. (voice trails off)

Me: What about the Mexican part?

Cat 2: Oh! I got this one. He was wearing a sombrero.

Me: Of course he was. And he was in ninja garb, too, I suppose. That’s how you could tell he was a ninja.

Cat 1: Nope. It was the throwing stars on his collar that gave him away.

Me: How silly of me.

Cat 1: Yeah. And the way he ninja-kicked over the plant. Does that explain everything to your satisfaction?

Me: Almost. If an invisible Martian Mexican ninja dog knocked over the plant, then where did these cat paw prints in the soil come from?

Both Cats: Look out! The invisible Martian Mexican ninja dog is back!

Me: (turning) Where? Where?

Both Cats: And we’re outta here!

Me: Get back here!

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